This morning I literally had to force myself to get on my mat to practice. Mind, heart, and body felt heavy and I could feel the tears pricking, which eventually resulted in a torrential downpour. One of the things I have been learning to do, of late, is give myself permission to cry. In doing so, I have come to understand the value in both facing and processing the feelings I fear the most, in order to support my healing. I also read somewhere, that the tears from a really good cry are as beneficial as a spa facial. YAY, it’s a win-win!!! So today, despite the steady stream, I kept breathing, kept moving, and kept boldly exploring the darker parts of myself, which eventually had me examining the conversation I was having with myself, about myself.
When I found myself in crisis back in November I had envisioned myself wearing this tee (to clarify, I do not actually own this t-shirt and I do hope it is not available for purchase anywhere), but in my mind it was what I saw and I felt it summed me up in a nutshell. For a girl, appreciated for her pink-colored glasses approach to life (good/bad implications and a different story for another time-ha!ha!) talk about a mind-blow. BOOM. Somewhere along the line I had started being very unkind to myself and even worse, somewhere along the line, I had let it become my truth. I had been sucked into what I now officially refer to as The Vortex. The not-so-good thing about this morning, I found myself hanging out in said vortex. The oh-so-good part, I caught myself before it swallowed me up. PROGRESS!
Before I go any further. On the flip side, having positive, constructive, supportive, authentic inner dialogue does not mean I abdicate myself of responsibility for my decisions and actions, particularly if it has resulted in the hurting of others. Have I made mistakes? YES. Have I hurt people I love? YES. Have I failed? YES. Have I learned? YES. Have I said sorry and meant it? YES. Have I pulled my socks up, tried again and experienced success? YES. Owning the good, the bad, and the ugly of my choices, balanced with the understanding that I am a perfectly imperfect human being doing the best I can, with the information available to me in any given moment (well, that was a mouthful!), is fundamental to my self-care and movement forward. Being as fair to myself, as I would be to another human being.
So, let me ask you, do you have a tee like the one above? Do you consciously or unconsciously throw it on when life gets tough and is biting you in the ass. Maybe similar and/or different words? Now let me ask you, if your best friend was struggling and came to you for support would you gift them this t-shirt and say good luck with that?!!! Would you use words of discouragement instead of encouragement? OF COURSE NOT. In fact, the idea of doing so is preposterous, right?
I KNOW exactly how I would choose to respond to a friend or loved one in need. I would hold space, oodles of it. I would be honest, kind, compassionate, patient, non-judgmental, and loving in my words. I would remind her of her more than enoughness. I would remind her I have her back and that I am her very best cheerleader. I would gift her this white tee with a big-ass red bow and tell her you’ve got this. And so this morning, I did just that and found myself lovingly, fearlessly fighting my way out of “The Vortex” and into the light. It has been a much better day. Namaste.
With gratitude and love,
Julie