Falling into the ebb and flow of change…

“Nothing ever comes to rest. Everything keeps moving. Even stationary objects are moving, though we do not see it. Change is constant and that means we are not the same from one moment to another either. Our cells are constantly in the process of changing. So if I am moving through a tough situation, there is no point trying to find “rest” so that I can cope. That is impossible. Instead, I can choose to change trajectory, to move in a direction that will lead me toward peace. THAT is always attainable.” – Richard Wagamese, Embers

In a weeks time I will be in the the throes of moving day and diving head first into more CHANGE; a positive and necessary step, only eleven kilometers away, and it brings me just a little closer to living on a larger water body-YAY for me and my SUP board! Yet today my anxiety is percolating. Symptoms include heart palpitations, shortness of breath, the left side of my chest feeling like it is being squeezed in a vice, and my body spontaneously shaking. No fun. I therefore have spent my day practicing lots of intentional self-care; slowing it all down with connection to breath, mindful movement on my yoga mat and kind, compassionate inner dialogue. Grateful.

As Richard Wagamese says, change is a constant. For many years I was the master of change, to the point I would even get excited and embrace the possibilities that ebbed and flowed with its uncertainty. I trusted in the silver linings that inevitably presented themselves and I believed somehow it was all going to be OK. When life imploded for me last fall, I found myself sideswiped by colossal change. I also found myself completely unprepared to meet the challenges I had created for myself. You heard me right created for myself. It is easy to think of change as “happening” to us but in reality we cultivate change through even our teeniest-tiniest choices, decisions, and actions. I made many decisions, some great ones and some I wish I had made differently, that became the catalyst for the spectacular shift in my life. I willingly own them all. And yes there were certain things beyond my control; choices made by others, events, but even in this regard I had a choice as to how I responded…as in gracefully or not. Let’s just say the grace part alluded me a few times! In the aftermath of my crisis I felt like I needed to fix everything all at once; amends and decisions needed to be made and I put tremendous pressure upon myself to do just that. Suffice it to say it was crushing me and very unhelpful in my healing and recovery. Thankfully a couple of my support peeps kindly reminded me…

“Julie you do not need to make all of these decisions NOW. In fact now is probably not a good time at all. You are raw, healing and recovering, not exactly a place from which good-decision making springs. Give yourself space, take one decision at a time, and move forward in baby steps.”

I took that one step further and refer to them as baby-toe steps; forward movement nonetheless and that is really AWESOME and ENOUGH- for now! I consider my upcoming move next week to be a baby-toe step as in all honesty I feel I have only accomplished twenty percent of the work, relative to all of the above, and that in the last couple of months I have simply been laying the foundation for the remaining eighty percent…Pareto’s Principle at its best! A little daunting and likely the impetus for today’s anxiety. Deep breath. What I do know is, in this decision to move, I am making an active, conscious choice in the trajectory of my life and I also trust that it is leading me towards greater peace and possibility. The reality is I was seeking change, facilitating it, and thus I am exactly where I am meant to be on the path I created for myself. Depression and anxiety aside I cannot complain or be disappointed in the chaos and crisis that ensued. I chose it and so to must embrace it; breaking down to break through. I will continue to practice self-care diligently but I will not “rest”. One baby-toe step at a time in all the directions that compel me toward greater ease and a simpler, more spacious, inspired-life.

Gratitude. Love. Namaste.

Julie.